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September 13, 2015

Winter Weather Whine

by on September 13, 2015. Filed under Thoughts



Since my disability I have been surprised every year by the pain associated with the arrival of cooler weather. Here I am, relatively enjoying the warmth of Summer, when the cooler weather of Fall (once my favorite season) brings me so much pain as to nearly restrict me in bed. Maybe “restrict” isn’t right. I just don’t want to get out of my warm bed.

It isn’t laziness. I’m not lazy. It’s pain. What everyone else experiences as “great weather”, anything cooler than hot, is painful to me. It seems so unfair. It’s a great week for a week-long hike or camping trip, two of my previously favorite activities.

But I won’t give up. I’ve been wearing hoodies all summer even in 90+ degree heat. Now I’ll be breaking out my winter coats just to survive Fall.

That’s enough whining. I won’t let pain stop me from living. So I’d better get moving. (Writing this post is a delay from getting out of bed.)

The guiding factor or strength for me isn’t simply anything of this world. It’s God. God alone is able to bring me to do the right thing when it is so difficult to do it. There are lots of motivating factors, my wife, children, grandchildren, but it is only God Who motivates and inspires me enough to choose pain over comfort in order to bless others. It’s because of His Son, Jesus, and what He did: choosing pain over comfort in obedience to His Father. It was that obedience that brought about my salvation-and that is everything!

As I finish this post I’m thinking about and planning what I need to do to survive 70 degree weather this week. Remember that a “high of 75 degrees” happens sometime after noon. Before that time is it much cooler. The temperature right now (11:30 a.m.) is 66 degrees. To me, that may as well be freezing!

So I’ll bundle up, put hand warmers in my boots, and brave this “freezing” weather so I can  “live and move and have our being” in Him, for I am “God’s offspring”. (Acts 17:28-29) I’m no longer on this earth to please myself but to please God Who saved me. Praise Him forever!

Time to get up.

June 26, 2014

getting dressed

by on June 26, 2014. Filed under Thoughts


Sometimes just getting dressed is difficult, a big deal.

I know it is even far more difficult for others. I think of Joni Erickson Tada. I shouldn’t complain…


January 14, 2014

How do I do it?

by on January 14, 2014. Filed under Thoughts


How do I do it?  How can I function with all the pain I have?  How do I get up, go out, do this and that, live life when constant and sometimes severe pain infiltrate almost every part of my body?

It seems that God made me this way for His purpose. Because I really don’t know how I do it.

This morning, so far, is the best morning I’ve had in a very long time.  I’m feeling selfish–which I don’t like.  I want to enjoy this very low pain morning for as long as I can.  I feel like I need this break.  I get worried about my heart.  How long will it be able to handle the stress of constant pain.

My pain does have one up-side.  It keeps me close to God.  I’ve no where else to turn because no one really can understand the pain and stress that I feel.  My wife is great and gives me love, compassion, and she helps me in every way. But even she can’t fully understand.  That’s okay because if she did understand that would mean that she feels the same pain and I wouldn’t want that for anyone.

There are other people in this world who have pain. There was a man in California that I used to email once in a while. He took lots of nasty pain killers and was still in pain. He realized that the pain killers were hurting him so he was weaning off them last I heard from him. He would feel sorry for me and I would feel sorry for him. I think he was worse off than I. Who knows?

Writing a “poor me” journal entry seems so selfish, so narcissistic.  I’d rather write about how God sustains me. That’s the answer to the question: How do I do it?

How do I do it?  God sustains me!

“I lift up my eyes to the hills–where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip–he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD watches over you–the LORD is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD will keep you from all harm–he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.”  (Psalm 121)

January 12, 2010

Life Outside My Bubble

by on January 12, 2010. Filed under Thoughts


It is difficult to communicate some things. Georgia understands. She understands at a depth like no other person. She understands this: I’m wearing out in ways other than my physical body.

As you get older your memory begins to fail. This is happening to both of us. Sometimes it is funny to us but I think most of the time it is frustrating to us. My capability to organize my thoughts and even to pull out the correct words from my brain may be related to short-term memory, or to the meds that I take (which affect neural pathways), but there are other things happening to me in addition to these afflictions.

Probably due to the constant onslaught of pain signals to my brain it seems to me that my brain’s “bandwidth” is far more narrow than is common for most people. I can almost feel what it is like to be autistic or with other social disorders. I can’t seem to process information input as fast as I once was could. I overload. I get stressed. I shut down.

It has become a fearful challenge for me to attend any large gathering especially if anything is expected of me. I do it anyway in order to be part of life–specifically to be a part of family, sharing my life with my wife hopefully to be a blessing to her and to my children. I go to church and can act normally but what is really going on is an increasing overload. I have missed large parts of every message for months now because this overload, stress, and pain. The overload causes me to really shut down, to go to sleep, right in the middle of our church service.

Even in small gatherings there is a significant “acting” that happens. You could call it “rising to the occasion”. I force myself to be a part of what is happening. It is like running to get the newspaper on a cold, wintery day in bare feet. You can force yourself to do it but only for a precise, limited time–just enough to get to the sidewalk and back. That’s it; that’s all you can handle. In the same way I do whatever is expected of me. I go to my doctor and then go home to crash. I play with my grandchild, something I love to do, but then I’m spent. Nothing left except to sleep. Sleep–that’s how I reset for the next thing.

My entire life outside my cocoon is like what I have described. Unless I’m in my 80 degree Fahrenheit room, feet elevated and wrapped in blankets, I’m stressed. Even our morning family Bible study, which I love, is difficult. I’m outside my “bubble” of comfort. We try to make it suitable outside my room, feet elevated, “shields up” (I wear a thermal hat or hoodie), a blanket wrapped around my feet and legs, and one of those parabolic heaters aimed at me. It is still stressful. I take a nap after Bible study.

My reluctance to pain affects my personal life in other ways. It is difficult for me to brush my teeth so I neglect to do it as often as I should. There are numerous other ways that I don’t take good care of myself. This, sadly, causes my wife to become stressed. She wants to take care of me but I “don’t want to put her out”. She wants me to take care of myself but I don’t want to put myself into a world of pain. So many things that should happen don’t happen.

I don’t see any solution in my future except the complete healing that I will have when I’m in Heaven. Until then I will function at the best level that I can. Every morning I will force myself to be a part of this world of pain that I must endure in order to be a part of this life of love that surrounds me. God is good.

Thanks for listening. Time for a nap.
In Christ,

December 30, 2009

Camp Susque photo

by on December 30, 2009. Filed under Thoughts


Just a photo – Camp Susque photo


December 10, 2009

Holding Back Pain and the Occasional Surge

by on December 10, 2009. Filed under Thoughts


I can only relate my experience with pain as I did in the journal entry Lightning Bolts of Pain. I don’t understand the processes involved.

I spend all my waking hours managing pain either through conscious activities such as distraction, keeping my feet elevated and warm, through anti-seizure medications which seem to hold back the pain, or unconsciously.

Occasionally I make a mistake, maybe it’s more like an overload of the stress involved holding back the pain. I sometimes accidentally allow the pain to come through and actually feel it in its full force. It’s horrible. This only happens about a couple of times a month. It is a lot of stress to hold back my pain but I’m not really conscious of the scope of it. Let me try to explain this.

Yesterday evening after a particularly stressful day including more activity than usual and constant higher pain levels I was in bed trying to get my feet “stable” again. Sometimes I hold off going to sleep in till a reasonable hour so that I don’t wake up at three in the morning. I have to hold off at least until 9 PM when I am due to take my nighttime medications.

This was the situation when I made a mistake, or overloaded; I stopped holding back the pain. All of a sudden there was a surge of pain that was almost a whole body sensation. It was mostly my feet and hands of course, but several other areas also that I had forgotten about. It was as if every area of pain that I was holding back just let loose, a surge of pain. It was horrible as if a sudden disaster came upon me. I immediately turned away from whatever it was I was doing and had to consciously push back the pain. That wasn’t an easy thing to do. It was as if I was pushing it back into a box where my subconscious could take over and do its part to manage it helping to keep it at bay.

The event only lasted a few seconds, maybe 10 or 15 seconds, but unlike a lightning bolt of pain where I had no control this was something that I had to make quite a conscious effort to get it back under control.

September 26, 2009

Protected: A Homeschool Family video

by on September 26, 2009. Filed under Thoughts


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January 22, 2009

Fleeting Body, Enduring Grace

by on January 22, 2009. Filed under Personal, Thoughts, health / disability / pain


fleet·ing, adj.
passing swiftly; vanishing quickly; transient; transitory:

I’m 55. I used to think that was really, really old, like back when I was a teenager. Now I look back and think, wow. Here I am-old. The people that I thought were old, like my mom, are now really, really, really old.

It’s all relative, isn’t it. I guess when you are 5 or 6 you might think that a teenager is old. I don’t know; I’m too old to remember.

I have a lot of favorite verses in God’s Word.  They are an enduring encouragement to me.

In Isaiah 40:8 and 1 Peter 1:24-25, we see this:

“The grass withers and the flowers fall,
but the word of our God stands forever.”

I think that is what I’d like this written on my tombstone. I will live forever based on the promises in God’s Word. But my body will wither and fall. I want anyone seeing my tombstone to know what is important and what is not.

I’m tired. My constant pain is very much like a thorn in the flesh to me.  I have to live life in spite of it. (I couldn’t begin to express how difficult it is to do so.) I really want to go home to Heaven. It is certainly better by far.

Even though I have constant pain I also have God’s enduring grace. It empowers me to take the next step even while in pain. Without God’s grace, there would be no power and no hope. Praise God for His moment by moment provision!

Maranatha! Lord Jesus, come!

January 1, 2009

No Other Rock

by on January 1, 2009. Filed under Thoughts



I found a website that I’m enjoying:

 No Other Rock

No Other Rock

All journal entries are copyright by Ed Rodatus - all rights reserved.
(Except the entries in the "joni" category. All the "joni" posts are from the Joni and Friends daily email devotional.)

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